Five and the Baker's Dozen

It's 11th April and George, Julian, Dick and Anne are working in their mother's shop in leafy Hampstead.  Timmy the Dog is at home miserable, he is not allowed in the fancy-cake outlet due to health and safety legislation. It's been a couple of months since their 11th February visit to Lamb Island and, as they faithfully promised one another, they have told no-one about the beastly satanic ritual they witnessed there. Inside, Anne still harbours slight fears that her mother is a satanist whilst Julian has spent many an hour hunched over Google, attempting to ascertain the truth of the matter.

The door opens, the bell rings, and in steps a grandmotherly type lady, well dressed, in her early sixties. A typical customer in this establishment. Dick goes to the counter, "Morning Madam, how may I help". I'd like to order one of your glorious cakes" smiles the woman. "Certainly", nods Dick, obligingly, "I'll just get the details". "I'd  like a devil cake , enough for thirteen, and I'd like it specially decorated. I won't require it until 21st June".

"May I have your name please". "Of course, it's Belinda MacKenzie". "And the address please". "I'll just give you my work address, it's 85 Albert Embankment, SE1 7TP". "Fantastic" replies Dick, "enough for thirteen... and the decoration ?" . "Now" says the lady, slightly changing her tone of voice, "I am looking for an image of 12 animal-masked but naked humans, six of each gender, around the circumference, whilst in the centre could you put a naked goat/human hybrid". Dick blushes slightly and stammers "certainly Madam, that would be fine". Belinda leaves, whistling like a canary.

Dick is trembling as he returns to the back of the shop. "Guys, you wont believe this. I think it's more Jungian synchronicity. A lady has just come in and ordered a cake with what appears to be satanic decoration". Julian is suddenly interested and takes the laptop from George and Anne who are busy watching the Andy Murray Dunblane wedding mega-ritual, which is on the 19th anniversary of the demolition of the school "massacre" gymnasium and the anonymous letter to Lord Cullen alleging masonic involvement in the matter. He takes the order slip from Dick and begins Googling.

"Goodness Gracious !", Julian nearly knocks his latte over. "This Belinda MacKenzie has some form. It appears she is well connected with MI5, bogus charities, and all sorts of malarkey. She was one of the baying mob that were standing outside our church calling the arriving congregation baby eaters and devil worshippers. Look, the address she has given is MI5's headquarters". He types some more then exclaims "I wonder if she is behind this: people are being asked to donate money to help the fight against satanic ritual abuse and in return they receive harrowing recordings of child abuse victims recite their torture. It's possible too that she's acquainted with Christine Anne Sands, she's an alleged FBI agent who has also been prominent in the satanic scandal".

"Let's just cancel the order" Anne whispers, tearfully. "We can't" says George. "There's that recent court case still hanging from 30/3 in Ireland, where the Christian proprietors of an Ashers bakery were taken to court for refusing to decorate a cake promoting same sex marriage. The challenge to their decision was brought by the Equality Commission who funded costs up to a maximum of £33,000". "Gosh" says Anne, "£33,000; I wonder where they plucked that figure from". (here)

Just then the door opens and the bell rings. It's their Mother - Julian quickly closes the laptop. "Hello darlings" she beams, "how are things". "It's been quiet" relates Dick, "only two orders". He hands the slips to her. She looks and then, secretly composing herself, states "Why don't you all head home, it's time for Timmy's walk and you know how he likes his routine". The four leave and Mother makes herself a large espresso and an even larger gin and tonic. She looks again at the slip. She did a bit digging back at the beginning and knows of Belinda, albeit she can only assume her motives for requiring a cake decorated in this manner for the longest, sun drenched, day of the year.

She gets up and turns on the T.V. The BBC are streaming Andy's wedding live. Suddenly there's a newsflash. Kate has given birth to a little sister for George; baby Alice. William will be pleased.

cheers

Five blow their minds on Lamb Island

It's the 11th of February 2015 and George, Julian, Anne and Dick - not forgetting Timmy the Dog - are at London's Waterloo station, enroute Edinburgh. Their mother has been taken poorly, thus they have been shipped up from Hampstead to their Uncle Jimmy's abode for a few days.

As they board the train they barely notice the unusual chap in the corner seat playing with spoons and take their own allocated seats further down the carriage. With no time wasted they open the large wicker picnic hamper and gaze inside. "Goodness gracious" says Dick, "Mother has done us proud". "Gosh" exclaimed George, "why, there's a fresh tiger loaf, sliced Edam, tomatoes, cucumber, peppers, biscuits, a Victoria sponge and lashings of ginger beer to wash it down". "Yum" say Julian and Anne together. "Woof" exclaims Timmy, eyeing up the biscuits. The five make quick work of their brunch.

It's a fairly long journey but Julian makes time fly, reading on his laptop.

Eventually  the train pulls into Waverley and the five disembark. The "spoon man" is taking photographs of the station's clock. "Taxi" shouts Anne, and the five jump in. "Just keep that mutt off my seats" says the driver. "Silverknowes please" says George. As they leave they glance up at the Balmoral Hotel. "That's where JK Rowling finished her Harry Potter series states Julian: "She signed a bust of Hermes to commemorate the event". "Truly magickal".

After some twenty minutes they arrive at Uncle Jimmy's. He welcomes them in, they stash their bags and head for the sea-side. "What's that island" remarks Dick. "Why it's Lamb Island" says Julian. "Some people believe that returning Egyptian princess Scota stopped there, en route from Egypt, and buried treasure. Apparently, she also had the Stone of Destiny with her. Scotland is named after her. Some people think that the Stone is Biblical  Jacob's pillow stone, the one he had the dream about the stairway to heaven on". "Lets go over" encourages Dick, "look, there's a little boat, we could borrow that". Timmy "woofs"; he likes boats.

The island was hard to get to. It's sides were steep; it's harbours non existent, however they made it, perhaps due to the boy's sailing lessons at Christchurch School.  Curiously, and what will soon transpire to be ominously, there appeared to be a path, fairly well treaded.

"Almost there" yells George, as she reaches the top of the path. Then she retches: "don't come nearer", diced carrots.  George has looked over the top. Julian sprints to the peak, George is boaking. "Don't look" she barbles, her throat burning with tiger loaf vomit. Julian looks anyway. A dead baby lies on an alter, surrounded by what looks like a shell triangle, itself within a circle. Julian is shocked but moves closer. It seems that that the shells are not shells, but rather pieces of babies skulls. "We better get out of here" exclaims Julian. The five rush back to the boat.

Back at Uncle Jimmy's Julian is busy on the laptop. "Found it" - the others rush over. "It's a Satanic ritual it appears, but what's worse, look what's top when I google that phrase". Anne begins to cry, "No, surely no, a satanic child abuse ring in Hampstead and Mother is one of the participants. No wonder she has sent us away". "It must be a mistake" says Dick reassuringly, "I'll bet it's got something to do with her weirdo yoga teacher and her even weirder boyfriend, the one that drinks the green juice bare chested at the school gates". George interrupts "Maybe there's a reason we are here, just like in all our previous adventures. We must go back to the island, it's potential Jungian synchronicity".

The next morning at first light the five row over. They tred the same path but hear voices in the distance. They crawl on their bellies to the top of the hill and observe 4 figures, two men and two women, together with a goat. All are wearing pink skin slippers and are involved in an act too sordid to recite in  a children's short story. Dick whispers to Anne, "That tall chap, I have seen him before, he was on the train yesterday fiddling with spoons". The five again return to the boat and the mainland.

Julian is doing some digging. "This rabbit hole goes deep", he announces, "and I think I have perhaps identified two of the participants. A blogger heavily involved with Mother's scandal called Sabine K MacNeill apparently went into exile yesterday, whilst the owner of the island is a chap called Uri Geller - a renouned mystic, spoon bender and CIA asset with a penchance for the numerical sequence eleven eleven. That's why 11/2 is important to him, he bought the island on that date some years ago". Dick rushes over "That's him alright, the man from the train with the spoons". They all go quiet for a while then George pipes up "Maybe the people who are promoting the Satanic ritual abuse at Hampstead are actually  Satanic abusers". "Could be" says Dick, " and there could be well be others in high positions of power so let's just keep quiet about what we have uncovered for the moment. If they are Satanists it's likely they will carry out a ritual at Hampstead, perhaps something Voodoo related like getting their supporters to send deformed children's toy dolls smothered in lipstick to the area."

On the train home Dick again wastes no time opening the hamper. "Gosh, Uncle Jimmy has done us proud. Look, there's bridies, Scotch pies and sausage rolls with lashings of Irn Bru". "I must say", says George, "I do love Irn Bru, it's the closest thing to gold".
  
Timmy wags his tail, he loves pies, although pork are his favourite.

THE END

cheers

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